The Morning Routine of an Instagram Wellness blogger

Satire

 May your life be filled with love, laughter and light.

8:00 AM – Wake up and gaze out the window at this beautiful day (if it’s not that beautiful, don’t worry, you can use the filter ‘rose radiance’ and turn the saturation up to 10 to fix that!). Grab the bullet journal on my bedside table and set my daily intentions. Pro tip: write something productive and hold yourself accountable. No time for excuses! After all, we all have the same 24 hours in a day…

8:30 AM – Ignore notifications coming in from that friend who’s having a family crisis. If I’ve learnt anything since the pandemic, it’s that you must always put yourself first!!!!!

8:32 AM – When the notifications from my friend start to become invasive – omg, toxic much? – send her a photo of the fortune cookie from last night’s Chinese takeaway that reads, ‘trust and everything will fall into place’. Satisfied, put my phone onto ‘do not disturb’ after setting the day’s ‘screen time’ limits. Did you know, staring at blue ray light from your phone for too long can cause all your dreams to wither into ash and make every person you have ever truly loved despise you? 

9:00 AM – Roll out my yoga mat (I use this one from Lululemon, $250 – can you believe it’s finally on sale? Me neither!) and create a calming atmosphere. I personally like to use this hand-poured, consciously-crafted, artisan, organic, sustainably sourced, vegan, paraben-free and toxins free candle (Anthropologie, $98) where 5% of profits go to a homeless shelter – how cute!

9:20 AM – Ignore the distant sound of people travelling to work. Try to reach a place of inner stillness on my yoga mat. Sigh deeply in frustration as the sound of the nearby commuters interrupts my sacred pranayama breathing practice.

10: AM – Now for relaxing – it can be pretty exhaustive blocking out all these toxic external influences, am I right? Run a hot bath as my new crystals (Etsy, $55 – affiliate link) charge. Stop the water before it gets too high: I believe it’s so important we all do our little bit to help save the planet!  Pour in some bubble bath from a plastic bottle and put on a plastic shower cap whilst I apply my go-to hair mask (Nordstrom, $89 – affiliate link).

10:30 AM – brush teeth with a bamboo toothbrush and charcoal toothpaste. Spit toothpaste out early and rush back to my bedroom when I realise my crystals are overcharged.

11:00 AM – Panic over. Use this period of relief and reflection to write in my gratitude journal. Today I am thankful that I am not one of those commuters that walked past me earlier. Hustle culture is real, you guys!!

12 AM – Brunch with a friend at our fave spot. Apparently the entire high street is struggling to survive because of this economic crash thing caused by the pandemic (speaking of which, remember to use my code COVID20 for 20% of my COVID edition merch drop!!), but tbh I don’t know if I could survive without their coconut topped acai bowl and organic matcha pancakes, lol!

There we have it – my morning routine! Obviously, today was super-duper chillaxed and I’d usually fit a lot more into my morning, but I think it’s super important to be real with you guys. Especially on social media. The last thing I’d want is to contribute towards a toxic online culture.